Life is Hard. Wear a Helmet.

Life is Hard. Wear a Helmet

Virginia State Constitution: Article 1; Section 13
That a well regulated militia, composed of the body of the people, trained to arms, is the proper, natural, and safe defense of a free state, therefore, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed; that standing armies, in time of peace, should be avoided as dangerous to liberty; and that in all cases the military should be under strict subordination to, and governed by, the civil power.

Alabama State Constitution: Article 1: Section 26
That every Citizen has a right to bear arms in defense of himself and the State.

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Saturday Morning Coffee #86

There's a big fucking tree in the living room, the fireplace is all set up and working and the house is filled with all that holiday cheer shit.

And my ass is bone fucking tired and sore.

There was a moment there, while I was crawling around under the sequoia in the living room; trying to get that beast shimmed up and locked in so it wouldn't fall over and kill someone; when I said to myself, "Man, I should get to the gym once in a while."

I quickly jumped up, ran into the dining room and squashed that horrible thought with a big shot of Jack and a fresh cold beer.

"What's the point of having a vaulted ceiling in the living room if you don't get a Christmas tree that fits there?"
Says the woman who's not going to lay a hand on that thing until it's time to hang ornaments.

and who do you think is going to have to abseil from those faux wood beams in the ceiling to put the angel on top? Hmmmm?   Any volunteers?    Bueller?

Inappropriate Humor in 3...2...

Friday, November 29, 2013

Thanksgiving AAR

It was a basic roasted turkey. Stuffed; brushed with olive oil and seasoned with salt, pepper and rosemary.
Served with:

mashed potatoes
cranberry sauce (the Ocean Spray jellied from a can. Because 'Murrica)
sweet cucumber salad
spinach casserole
Mamas homemade carrot cake with cream cheese icing.

No football. Can you believe it?

Just wasn't in teh mood for Cowboys vs whoeverthefucktheywereplaying.

We played a board game.

There was Jack Daniels involved, as can be deduced from MSgt B's scoresheets still lying on the dining room table this morning...

Round 1 - 39
Round 2 - 36
Round 3 - 33
Round 4 - 28

Today we will continue the new family tradition. Sort of a stylized version of Black Friday.
We go out and patronize any thrift stores we can find that are open. Especially the ones that purport to be acting as a fund raiser for various religious or community aid organizations.

I usually come away with a collection of $3 shirts that I can wear on the job.
They look decent, and if I get hypochlorite or hydroxide on them, I can just toss them in a garbage can without being heartbroken.
I'll also be keeping an eye out for gadgetry and/or tools. It's amazing what turns up in some of those thrift stores and flea markets.
I can't get my wallet out fast enough if there's an antique fly reel and cane pole involved.


Thursday, November 28, 2013

Happy Thanksgiving

I'm thankful about having a chance to take a day with the family and eat good grub and spend some quality time together.

Yes, we will watch football. Because 'murrica.

I was out to Mordor yesterday to commiserate with my boys out there. They're having a rough time this holiday. Lead tech has put himself on night shift, and they're both working 6 to 6 to keep their plant running.

So lead tech will be sleeping through Thanksgiving dinner, and #2 guy will be phoning it in from the control room.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've already got phone calls rolling in...

that's why they pay me the big bucks.


Tuesday, November 26, 2013


At the Candlewood Inn & Suites

I know who I'm going to call if I need some welding done.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Sunday morning sleep-in #70

My main problem is not knowing when to slow the fuck down.



My boss (who knows I'm a gunnie) has suggested that, the next time his boss is in town, a range trip might be in order.

His boss is a crusty old Navy Chief, who I can reasonably assume has at least a 'Navy Standard' familiarity with firearms. My boss, on the other hand, is a "I shot a .22 when I was a kid...once" type of guy.

I'm currently running through in my head all the myriad ways something like this could go wrong.
Waaaaayyy wrong.

For me, any excuse to go get some recoil therapy is acceptable, but this has my spidey sense tingling.

Maybe I just have trust issues...


Saturday, November 23, 2013

Saturday Morning Coffee #85

I spend a lot of time behind the wheel. Ever since I moved to Bama, I've been subjected to the "Secret Bible Money Code" commercials at least twice a day.

Is this just a Bama thing? I never heard it until I moved down here.

MSgt B's Secret Money Code - Revealed to you completely free of charge.

Stop spending it all on booze, tobacco, guns and porn, and you'll probably be a millionaire in no time.

Total Transformation

How about that one?
I've been hearing it just as often as the Bible Code commercial. It's the one where that lady with the whiny petulant voice says, "I'll never forget the day little Johnny told me he hated me and slammed the door in my face!" "I just didn't know what to do!"

MSgt B's Guide to the Total Transformation - Again, completely free of charge.

Whup. His. Ass.

Miss B arrived last night. She'll be staying through the Thanksgiving holiday.

Maybe we can get out to the range for a day...

Inappropriate Humor in 3...2...

Friday, November 22, 2013

Suspicious Packages

My technician for north Alabama called me up yesterday. He had driven up to Decatur to hit a couple of our customers up there and was having some trouble.
Route 20 outside of Decatur is a mass of various industrial plants, mostly chemical refineries and steel mills along the Tennessee River north of town, and they are all connected by rail.

At one of the chemical refineries, someone noticed a "suspicious package" attached to one of the rail cars and it was all downhill from there. Every industrial plant on that stretch of rail line went into lockdown. Workers were released in droves, creating a traffic jam of epic proportion.
Adding to that, just about every school in the area decided to shut down and release students early, so the phone calls started going out to parents...

As I listened to my technician spend several minutes trying to explain to me the surreal nightmare of every vehicle in the city of Decatur getting on the road at once, it finally dawned on me that he had never served in the military...he just didn't have the vocabulary to explain what he was dealing with.

I was able to provide my technician with an objective lesson on the use of the word "clusterfuck".

Military term for an operation in which multiple things have gone wrong. Related to "SNAFU" (Situation Normal, All Fucked Up") and "FUBAR" (Fucked Up Beyond All Repair).

In radio communication or polite conversation (i.e. with a very senior officer with whom you have no prior experience) the term "clusterfuck" will often be replaced by the NATO phonetic acronym "Charlie Foxtrot."

Want to know what was in the suspicious package?

Hint:  The train came in from Mexico...


Thursday, November 21, 2013

Your Secrets are Safe with Me

because there is a good chance I was not listening anyway.


Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Tuesday, November 19, 2013


Never been to Tupelo before, hope they have good titty bars.


Monday, November 18, 2013

What's that word I'm looking for?

What's that word I'm looking for?


No no no....

Shaden-something-or-other...I can't remember how to spell it.


Sunday, November 17, 2013

Sunday morning sleep-in #69

Work calls in the middle of the night and my screwed up sense of time have finally caught up to me.

I rolled out of bed and staggered out to the kitchen. Whipped up a pot of coffee and had a smoke.
After my usual ritual of drinking coffee and reading blogs and such, I became curious as to why I had not seen the sun rise yet.

Fuck me. I must have awakened at 2am. I really thought it was later than that.


Saturday, November 16, 2013

Saturday Morning Coffee #84

Rock Bottom

Holy shit.

I just quoted Piers Morgan on my blog.

I think it's a sign of the Apocalypse or something.

Talk Radio
To even out my karmic balance after quoting Piers Morgan...

I've been listening to a lot of Michael Barry down here in Bama.

Love his show. Catch it if you get the chance.

Inappropriate Humor in 3...2...

Friday, November 15, 2013


I went and posted a picture of a bug bite on my leg.

I only posted it because I'm pretty sure it was a spider, and spiders are the devil's own insect. Disgusting harbingers of disease and death that must be stomped at every opportunity.
All. Spiders. Must. Die.

I expected a bunch of comments along the lines of "Stop whining, you little bitch." or "My God, if my kid cried like that, I'd backhand him and make him wear a dress."

What I got was:
"Yeah Dude. You're definitely going to die from that shit...can I get your guns?"

Now I'm walking around thinking I've got Lyme disease. Thanks a lot motherfuckers.

You guys are so fucked up. Don't ever change.


Thursday, November 14, 2013

Look Away, Look Away....

He said "catawampus"  <-- I think that's how it's spelled.

I don't want you to get the wrong idea, he didn't just throw it out there.
What he really said was, "They's all catawampus."

So I said, "Yes Sir...they certainly are."

What the fuck else was I supposed to do?

So, there's this big story in the papers and on the radio about how domestic oil production has exceeded the amount of oil imported for the first time in, like, 20 years or something.

Just so you can say you heard it here first, MSgt B says, "OPEC can go choke on a bag of dicks."

Fracking Rules, bitches!

Now, where's my $1/gallon gas, motherfuckers?

Or is this just another case of "What can we report on to distract people from the fact that Obamacare is a big, steaming pile of suck and fail?"


That's a picture of my leg.

I didn't post it just because I like showing off my sexiness on the internets. (Although, that is one sexy piece of man-meat right there...)

Something bit the shit out of me, about halfway between the ankle and knee.
I don't know what it was. With my luck, it was probably a brown recluse or black widow or some other equally fucking deadly and disgusting looking spider.

So if I stop blogging suddenly, y'all will know I probably fucking died from that shit.



Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Hump Day Rule 5 - Nina Agdal

because Victoria's Secret.

Still trying to figure out which is her best side...

Monday, November 11, 2013

Happy My Day

I can bitch and moan with the best of them, but the truth is, I'm still walking around living my life.

There are many veterans who are not.

Honor them

Live a life worth dying for.




And Happy Birthday, fuckin' Jarheads.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Biting my Tongue

"Enough about work, I'm taking time off to spend with the family. It's Veterans Day weekend."

Says the guy who never served a day, to his veteran employee who has to work all weekend.