Life is Hard. Wear a Helmet.

Life is Hard. Wear a Helmet

Virginia State Constitution: Article 1; Section 13
That a well regulated militia, composed of the body of the people, trained to arms, is the proper, natural, and safe defense of a free state, therefore, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed; that standing armies, in time of peace, should be avoided as dangerous to liberty; and that in all cases the military should be under strict subordination to, and governed by, the civil power.

Alabama State Constitution: Article 1: Section 26
That every Citizen has a right to bear arms in defense of himself and the State.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Hump Day Rule 5 - Megyn Kelly

Host of The Kelly File on FOX News. After just one month, she's up to #2 in the ratings...

I wonder why that is?

I'm betting it's her keen wit and hard hitting analysis of the day's events.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013


Stolen from The Cajun


Appears our president's stock is dropping like a stone among European leaders.

Watch for him to start doing even more spectacularly stupid things than he has already, in an attempt to win the admiration of those he adores and emulates.


Monday, October 28, 2013


Up at 0300, out the door at 0500 for a three hour commute to the customer site.

I live for this shit.


Sunday, October 27, 2013

Sunday morning sleep-in #67

These people in Alabama are serious about their yards. Most of the folks in my neighborhood hire a guy to take care of it for them. One guy does 80% of our cul-de-sac. He's got to be making a killing.
He got heat stroke or something a couple months ago while out on his mower. The whole damn neighborhood almost collapsed into anarchy.

I think the two houses next to mine and I are the only people on the street who don't use that guy for yard work.
The guy right next to me enjoys doing his own. He's got plenty of money, he could pay someone else to do it, I think he just really enjoys getting outdoors and busting his ass once a week. I think he owns a couple car dealerships or something. (Tried to sell me a car on the day I moved in.)
He's a fanatic. Five dead leaves hit his grass and he's out there with his blower. I shit you not.
The next house over is owned by a guy who owns a landscaping company. Every weekend he's got 2-3 Mexicans out there making the place look pretty. Maybe they're getting extra credit or something.

Then there's me...

Don't get me wrong. I enjoy taking care of my space and having a yard that looks nice and all that, but with all this traveling, it's sometimes 1 1/2 to 2 weeks between yard-work sessions.
So here I come rolling into the neighborhood last Friday, past all those neatly manicured and spotless lawns. As I came around the final bend, my yard came into view.

I blame the property owner. I mean...really. Who plants five huge pine trees in the front yard?

Everything was covered in a thick, uniform carpet of brown. I mean everything. The house, the yard, the driveway and the street. (These people do the street too. Everyone cleans the street up in front of their house, right out to the center line.)
My place looked like some kind of science experiment gone horribly wrong. And the property lines around my place were clearly delineated, as if someone had called in a professional surveying crew. On one side of the line you had lush green grass, neatly manicured to two inches length or less. On the other side, you had MSgt B's pine needle emporium.


I gotta admit, I was tempted to just leave it like that. I began making up a story about how it was bad for the environment to remove the natural carpet of pine needles from the ground. How it was important for the mating cycle of the indigenous insect life to have the pine needles there for protection from predators, because, you know, it all starts with the insects, or the bees, or something like that. Anyway, removing the pine needles would break the important cycle of life for the bugs, and then the birds would all starve within a year, and then the earth would tilt off it's axis or something, and then....
Before I was out of my vehicle, I was practicing my "sincere look".

I tried the story out on Mrs B. She said, "Fuck the bugs. They're icky. Clean the fucking yard."

So I spent a large portion of yesterday's "free" time doing my yard work.
As I packed up my implements and loaded them back into the garage, I felt a warm breeze stir the air, tainted with the faint scent of fried Okra.
I think it was the entire neighborhood breathing a sigh of relief at the removal of this horrible affront to well-ordered society and good manners.

Fuck the bugs. They're icky.


Saturday, October 26, 2013

Saturday Morning Coffee #82

I could bitch and moan about how hard I'm working, but what would be the point?

The fact is that we have more work than we have people to get it done.
Things could be worse; it could be the other way around.

Doritos are awesome for breakfast.

The Alabama heat has pussified me completely in just six short months.

Walked out of my hotel in Decatur last Thursday morning at 0530 into a windy, fifty-one degree morning.

Damn near died.

Mrs B - Honey. Can you come here and double check that I have the thermostat set right?

MSgt B - Lemme get my readers, hang on a sec.

Mrs B - It should be at sixty-four...

MSgt B - [Tweaks it a little to the right] There you go, Baby.

Mrs B - Are you sure?

MSgt B - [Hands her his reading glasses] Here, try these.

Mrs B - That's it...

MSgt B - You're officially an old fucker now. You need reading glasses.

Mrs B - [Handing back the reading glasses] Do not!

MSgt B -'s okay. You look kinda hot with glasses. Will you wear 'em to bed tonight?

Mrs B - No!

MSgt B - You remind me of my second-grade teacher when you look over your granny glasses at me. I'm getting a Boner. Right. Now.

Mrs B - You're a sick fuck.

We have that big stone "Viking" fireplace at one end of the living room. It's time to get that thing fired up for the season.

It has no grate, screen or any of the usual accouterments you would expect to find in a fireplace.

Where does one go to get that stuff?

There are two types of squirrels:


Tuesday, October 22, 2013


Pick a movie title...
replace just one word in the title with "Bacon"

Here's some examples to get you started:

"Bacon Instinct"

"The Good, The Bad and The Bacon"

Whatcha got?


Saturday, October 19, 2013

Saturday Morning Coffee #81

Spoiler Alert:

We finally bought and watched that new Start Trek movie.

I loved the Khan tie-in. I went on and on about how cool it was to get that backstory, and about how we'd have to pull the old Star Trek II movie out and watch it again, until Mrs B says, "What are you talking about? Who's Khan?"

So I had to spend a few minutes chiding her about having a "senior moment" and reminding her that we own and have watched all the old Star Trek series of movies, etc..

We don't own the old Star Trek series of movies...

We did own them. I was gently (Yeah, right.) reminded about that time a few years back when I rampaged through the closets, tossing out all those "old" VHS tapes stored in boxes and never watched anymore...

Well, shit.

I would buy every Microsoft product out there if...

Microsoft's CEO search...

Inappropriate Humor in 3...2...

Monday, October 14, 2013

I Got a Happy Ending

No, not that kind, you bunch of dirty freaks.

You all remember Sam?

I posted a bleg a while back to help out an old friend, and raise some money to fight cancer.
A bunch of the cool kids grabbed the ball and ran with it.

Last month was Sam's final chemotherapy treatment...

...and this month all his MRI's and CAT scans and whatsits came back FREE and CLEAR.


So how many of you gunnies started thinking that Sam should get a .22 Cricket to celebrate?

Inorite? I thought the same thing. Sam's Mom would probably freak right the fuck out.

Maybe just a Red Ryder and some reactive targets...

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Sunday morning sleep-in #66

Some sort of big motorcycle shindig going on over at Barber Motorsports Park.

There's a metric fuckton of motorcycles cruising around the neighborhood. Not the big hogs. Lots of little cafe racers and vintage bikes.


Trying to pick Borepatch out of the crowd...

Dinner last night was homemade clam chowder, served with a loaf of fresh-baked beer bread.

Man, talk about good. For about 30 minutes, the only sound in the house was a disgusting medley of slurping, grunting and lip-smacking coming from the dining room.

I picked up the clams from Daniel's Seafood in Decatur when I was up there Friday.

Now you know the real reason I keep a cooler full of ice and drinks behind the driver's seat in my work truck.

When I make a loaf of beer bread, I also tend to make a small batch of homemade butter to go with it.

MSgt B's quick butter recipe:

Start with a 1/2 liter water bottle (empty and clean)
Fill it about halfway with Heavy Whipping Cream

Put the lid on tight and start shaking. You'll be standing around shaking that water bottle for about 20-30 minutes, so switch hands regularly so you don't get worn out. (Yeah...I've heard that joke)
For a while there, once the cream has fluffed out and filled the entire bottle, it will seem like you're not accomplishing anything. Don't give up, just keep shaking along like you know what you're doing.
Suddenly, the butter will congeal out of that mass of whipped cream and start slopping around in the bottle, keep shaking for about another 5 minutes.

At the end, you'll have a glob of butter flopping around in there, along with a considerable amount of liquid.

With a sharp knife, slice open the side of the bottle and drain out the liquid.
(That's buttermilk, by the way. You can save it for making buttermilk pancakes. I just let it go down the drain cuz I'm a buttermilk h8ter.)
Once you've drained the liquid, slash the bottle open the rest of the way and dump your butter glob out onto a cutting board or something similar. (Try not to fucking slash your hand open at the same time)

While holding the cutting board over the sink at an angle, use a small spatula or something to fold and knead the butter for 5 minutes or so. What you're trying to do is get all that liquid buttermilk out of there that's trapped in small pockets throughout. As you knead, you'll see the buttermilk run down the cutting board into the sink.
This is also when you want to add a little salt to the butter, if you're a salted butter kinda person.

That's it folks.
Scrape the butter off the cutting board into a small bowl and serve. You can chill it for a bit if you don't want it too soft.

I posted my beer bread recipe HERE if you need something to spread the butter on.


Saturday, October 12, 2013

Saturday Morning Coffee #80

Ten books you should have read already:

It Was On Fire When I Lay Down On It - Robert Fulghum
Harlot's Ghost - Norman Mailer
Atlas Shrugged - Ayn Rand
Cryptonomicon - Neal Stephenson
Cat's Cradle - Kurt Vonnegut
Freehold - Michael Z Williamson
Killer Angels - Michael Shaara
Iron Bravo - Carsten Stroud
Fortunate Son - Lewis B Puller Jr

Sorry...I had to stop at nine.
As I was thinking of what the tenth book should be, I realized that my attempt to list only ten books was futile.
What about all the Heinlein stuff out there?
Monster Hunter International?
Anything by Stephen Ambrose...

Look at the list and tell me what the tenth book should be. Maybe one of you guys knows the last book everyone should have read already, but I don't know about yet.

Speaking of Monster Hunter International...

Larry has a Kickstarter project going for MHI challenge coins, so of course it's gone completely off the rails. He had an original goal of $3,000, and the money pledged just passed $40,000.
Those MHI fans are a dedicated bunch.

Yeah. I pledged a wad of cash. An MHI challenge coin would be a nice add to my collection.
Evil looms!

Inappropriate Humor in 3...2...

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Hump Day Rule 5 - Molly Quinn

I've been off the air for a bit, so when it came to a Hump Day post I was a little stumped.

Luckily, I dropped by Larry's blog. He always provides the best inspiration.

Love the Cosplay stuff.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

First World Problems

Settled in back at the homestead.

It's been an interesting few weeks, most of which I've spent on the road.
In the meantime, Mrs B hasn't spent much time shopping for food or anything. She lives on Ramen and crap while I'm away.

So I'm digging around in Old Mother Hubbard's kitchen trying to come up with some grub.
Found some Ritz crackers that weren't stale, a jar of dill pickles in the fridge and, Bonus!...a chunk of Philadelphia Cream Cheese overlooked at the back of the middle shelf. (The place where leftovers go to die)

Once I trimmed the moldy bits from the cream cheese, I had enough to spread across a baker's dozen of the Ritz crackers. I garnished each with a generous slice of dill pickle...and breakfast was served.

Snacking Level = Ninja


Monday, October 7, 2013

Notes About the Gov't Shutd...Squirrel!

I haven't caught The Squirrel Report in some time.

Have to see if I can get some free time on a Thursday night.