Life is Hard. Wear a Helmet.

Life is Hard. Wear a Helmet

Virginia State Constitution: Article 1; Section 13
That a well regulated militia, composed of the body of the people, trained to arms, is the proper, natural, and safe defense of a free state, therefore, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed; that standing armies, in time of peace, should be avoided as dangerous to liberty; and that in all cases the military should be under strict subordination to, and governed by, the civil power.

Alabama State Constitution: Article 1: Section 26
That every Citizen has a right to bear arms in defense of himself and the State.

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Saturday Morning Coffee #76

Man, I am sooooo screwed.

Mrs B's birthday is Tuesday.

There's no way I can be here on Tuesday. I have to be up in Decatur with my boss.
Originally, I had planned on being in Georgia today and Sunday, then coming home for Labor Day and heading right back out again Tuesday morning.
I cut my Georgia trip short, so today I have to get out to Georgia, do some work, and get my ass back here tonight. I figure I'll stop somewhere on the way home and get a birthday gift. That way I can take Mrs B out for a nice dinner Sunday night and have an extra day to spend with her before leaving town again.

What did you get the wife for her last birthday?

Seriously. I can always fall back on one of the standards, like some nice earrings or something, but I'd rather give a shot at some originality. So tell me what you gave the old lady last year. I need someone to throw some ideas at me.

(No. She does not want a gun, or anything gun-related, nor does she want a chainsaw, auto parts, shop tools, etc., etc., et al, ad infinetum...)

C'mon. Someone throw me a bone.


Friday, August 30, 2013

That Time of Year Again

The Leeds Green Wave plays their season opener at home against Lincoln tonight, and the town is really gearing up.

After pulling in the Class 3A State title for four years in a row, we lost to Fayette County last year in the third round of the state playoffs.

Our defense had five starters graduate this year, but our Offense only lost two seniors, and everyone says sophomore quarterback TD Marshall and sophomore running back Tre Nation are going to be a powerful force this season. Last year Tre racked up 1,900 yards rushing as a freshman.

Small town America keeps rolling along.

Our economy is in the crapper. The city of Birmingham is still bankrupt. Our nation's president is a boob who's trying like hell to get us tangled up in another damn mess in the Middle East, and the NSA is reading...everything.

None of that means shit when football season starts in Alabama.

Roll Tide!


Thursday, August 29, 2013

A Joke

A policeman on his horse says to a little girl on her bike, "Nice bike you've got there. Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," she replies.

"Well, tell Santa to put a reflector on it next year," and he fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the policeman and says, "Nice horse you've got there. Did Santa bring you that too?"

The policeman chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"

"Well," says the little girl, "Next year, tell Santa the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"


Sunday, August 25, 2013

Sunday morning sleep-in #61

Kicked over the giggle box

Hat Tip to The Shekel


Dinner last night was simple as hell, and totally awesome.
I threw some chicken breasts in Italian dressing on Friday, but by the time I got home Friday night, I was too pooped to pop. We had garbage for dinner, and the chicken sat in the fridge for an extra day.

So yesterday I whipped up a quick loaf of beer bread with Rosemary. (The spice...No, I did not have some strange lady in my kitchen. Unless you count Mrs B, she can be pretty fucking strange at times...but her name's not Rosemary.)
We gave the chicken a quick broil, and served it with the beer bread and a saucer full of olive oil and balsamic vinegar for sopping. Awesome!

Beer Bread

Preheat oven to 375 F.
Spray down a loaf pan with Pam, or butter it if you're old-school.

3 Cups flour ( I use pre-sifted, self-rising flour because I'm a lazy bastard who doesn't want to sift it all and then add yeast and do the whole waiting around for it to rise thing. Fuck that, I'm hungry.)
1/4 Cup Sugar
Dash of Salt
1 Tsp Rosemary (Don't forget to crush it up right before you use it)
1 12-oz Beer (Room temperature)

Get all your dry ingredients in the bowl, then pour the beer over it and stir until blended. (No lumps)

Pour it in the loaf pan, shove it in the oven and bake for 50 minutes.

Pro Tip:  If you go with the pre-sifted self-rising flour, make sure you use real beer.

Inappropriate Humor in 3...2...

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Saturday Morning Coffee #75

Constructive Vandalism

Click on over to Jess's place and leave a comment.

Even you fuckers who are just here for the boobie pictures.

Go on. Do it.

Do it.

Finding your niche.

Mrs B and I were sitting on the couch watch another one of those gawdawful cheesy SyFy movies (this is after the Sharknado, but before the one about the two-headed shark) It was something to do with wolves...

MSgt B - Another werewolf movie? Really? This isn't another "Blood and Chocolate" chick flick is it?

Mrs B - Nope, just wolves hunting people down and eating them and shit.

MSgt B - Why do you keep subjecting yourself to this crap? I could write a better horror movie.

Mrs B - Inorite? I always thought Little Red Riding Hood would be a lot better if she was humping the werewolf...

MSgt B - You're onto something there, honey. Little Red goes to Grandma's house and finds this dude there, some really handsome dude who explains to her all about how Grandma passed away and he just happened to come along. So he gave her a little funeral and buried her in a nice grave out in the woods...

Mrs B - Yeah yeah. A real pretty grave with a bunch of flowers around it, only we find out later there's no one buried there, because the hottie wolf-dude actually ate the old bitch...

MSgt B - Baby...I knew there was something I loved about you... Anyway, so Red is shacked up with the wolf-dude at grandma's place out in the woods. They're going at it like rabbits. Gotta have a couple really hot sex scenes in there. Meanwhile, back in the village, motherfuckers are getting eaten left and right, so they get together and go out hunting for the werewolf...

Mrs B - Why does it have to be just a werewolf? That's getting old. How about a vampire-werewolf? No...wait...a Flying Vampire Werewolf that can sprout wings and take off whenever he wants....

MSgt B - You're awesome honey. Where were we? Oh yeah...So one morning, Red wakes up next to flying-vampire-wolf-boy and sees he's wounded in the arm or something. She hears what's going on in town and makes the connection, but she realizes that she's in love with the hottie wolf-dude, so she wants them to run away together...

Mrs B - No no no. Dood...she's pregnant with a Flying Vampire Werewolf baby...

MSgt B - Yes! Fast-forward like two months, and she pops out a fucking litter of puppies.

Mrs B - I love you honey, and I want to have sex with you right now... (I'm not 100% sure she actually said that last part out loud, but she was getting that look in her eye...)

MSgt B - Her litter doesn't look like Flying Vampire Werewolves at all, they just look like about a dozen of the cutest little puppies you ever saw, and mommy loves them very much. She has to figure out a way to feed them though, so she puts one of those "Free Puppies" signs out by the road. When innocent townspeople come by to see the free puppies, she takes them out to the barn, and there in the horse stall is this whole pile of cute puppies rolling around and playing and being all super-cute and shit. Then...just when everybody's going "Aawwww", they sprout wings and fangs and fly up and swarm all over the innocent villager and devour her like a pack of fucking evil flying piranhas...fade to credits...

Mrs B - Holy shit! Evil flying piranhas...Hey!

MSgt B - One thing at a time, baby. We're gonna be famous.

Inappropriate Humor in 3...2...

Friday, August 23, 2013



No time for blogging.

On the road as usual.


Thursday, August 22, 2013


Chrysopelea, or more commonly known as the flying snake, is a genus that belongs to the family Colubridae. Flying snakes are mildly venomous, though they are considered harmless because their toxicity is not dangerous to humans.

"Considered harmless"??

What the fuck is the matter with you people?
It's a snake that flies.

Kill. It. With. Fire.  

(Seriously. Is birdshot heavy enough to get penetration on snakeskin? This needs to be tested.)
(Should I try out my new range membership by releasing a bunch of flying snakes on their property?)


Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Hump Day Rule 5 - Alecia Beth Moore (Pink)

Gotta admit, I didn't see that coming...

The new Cover Girl.


Tuesday, August 20, 2013

True Country (Never Dies)

OCMS was invited to join the Grand Ol' Opry over the weekend.

Why did they get invited to join the Opry?

This is why:

P.S. - If Brigid plays "Carry Me Back to Virginia",  I'll Riverdance to it. 
Y'all know she can fiddle, right?

Monday, August 19, 2013

Wharblgar Grmmph Aaaagh

So I roll into town and check into the hotel around 1930.

The restaurant in the lobby is closed, but we're in luck, the bar across the hall is still open. You can get sandwiches in there, right?

Turns out, in this little town in Northwest Georgia, the hotel bar is the only action in town on a Sunday.
Man, the place was rockin'. The place was packed.
It was blues night or something. All night long they played BB King, Muddy Waters, Sonny Boy, all the greats.

Fuck me. It's gonna be a loooooong Monday.
That'll teach me, right?

( won't. If I learned from my mistakes, I'd be a fucking genius by now.)


Sunday, August 18, 2013

Sunday morning sleep-in #60

Sometimes I really have nothing to say,

and that's just fine with me.


It Works! (That was fun)


Saturday, August 17, 2013

Saturday Morning Coffee #74

Sorry about the "Obama Brain-bleach" picture yesterday.
The sense of victimhood in our country today has grown into an art form. Makes me sick.

By way of an apology, here's a pretty cat picture:

There....feel better?


From Stars and Stripes:

A resurgence of violence and a renewed threat from al-Qaida have recently revived flagging U.S. interest in Iraq, officials said Friday as Baghdad asked for new help to fight extremists less than two years after it forced American troops to withdraw.

Yep. Your read that right.
They told us to GTFO, and now they're asking for some money to help with their "terrorist problem".
Not just money either, some "advisers" as well.

Is this real, or did CNN just get trolled? Seriously?


I bet it would be even better with some trauma plates duct-taped to it...and a wheelbarrow...

Inappropriate Humor in 3...2...

Friday, August 16, 2013


"To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticize."
~ Voltaire


Thursday, August 15, 2013

School Daze PSA

You'd think that with all the time I spend on the road, I'd pay more attention to this stuff...

...and suddenly this week the yellow buses are back on the roads in force.

I have to change my driving habits. Not that I'm some kind of speed demon or something, but I don't like putting myself in a situation that contains even the slightest chance of me running over someone's kid.
Most people don't take very kindly to that shit.
During the school year, I try to make sure I'm not on the roads at all from 2-5 pm.
On a normal daily run, I pass through dozens of small towns all over this state and it's neighbors.
I prefer to adjust my schedule whenever possible, to ensure I'm on a job site or in the office in the afternoons. Gives all the little ankle-biters a chance to settle down and go home for dinner.

I'm sure if I dig deep enough into Alabama state law, I'll find the code section that states that all school bus stops on roads where the speed limit is 45mph or greater must be located within spitting distance of a blind curve. Seriously. WTF?

But it's not just about the big yellow buses.

I have, through careful observation, determined that the larval form of Homo Sapiens can, and will, act in a random fashion that conveys no regard for personal safety. (Their own, or anyone else's)

Slow it down out there and keep your eyes open. Those little fuckers will run right out into traffic.

I'm rapidly becoming convinced that the youth of this state are involved in some vast conspiracy aimed at getting MSgt B to have a heart attack (or at least a minor stroke) in his work truck.


Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Hump Day Rule 5 - Sara Galimberti

MSgt B's Hottest Competitive Athlete of the Year.

Sorry, Michelle Jenneke, you will always have a special place in my heart.